there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
