so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
