Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
