John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
