Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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