he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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