So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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