Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
