My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
