Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
ok first of all what the fuck
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
