I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
