3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
