She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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