I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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