how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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