you inspire me to be a worse person
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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