He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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