it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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