Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
