I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
