i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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