dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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