I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize