yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
