I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
