Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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