apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
