I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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