Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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