11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
