apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
