I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
