Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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