why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
