dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
