Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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