oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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