oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
