summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
