I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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