we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
