Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
