i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
