I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
FUCK WHALES
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
