I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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