The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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