I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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