Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
