Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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