he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
