A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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