you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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