sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
