im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
