Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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