Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
