I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize