Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
