My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
