party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
