I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
