I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
