hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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